Lost Love

A love came my way

Unadulterated and pure

It seemed very shallow

As I walked with him on the street

He always held my hand

And wanted to kiss me

I let that love go by

Thinking that many other love are coming my way

Lots of love came my way

But I still think of that night

That walk

Holding of hands

And the kiss that never materialized.

One Sided Love

Dressed as a bride
As beautiful as a moon on a bright blue sky
She stood and smiled at me


I yearned to go near her
To touch her
I yearned for her to desire me

Maybe all I needed was for her to love me
So I could forget her

How futile is this love?
Love for a woman who loves someone else

A love that has no present or future
But searches for that moment where two souls can merge to become one

Myself

Is it the magnetism of my eyes

Magnified by the gentle  eyelids that flutter like the wings of a swan

Or is it my electric smile

Powerful enough to energize a dull room

What is it that you love about me?

Is it my skin soft as butter?

Translucent like tender pieces of coconut

That drives you wild?

Is it my long slender fingers that fit together most perfectly to my palm

Making it the world’s most beautiful creation of touch

The touch that sends a shiver around your body

And also a constant yearning to be near me

Or is it my voluptuous body with its share of imperfections

Is it the scent of my body mixed with the perfume creating a maddening fragrance of intoxication?

Or is it after all my heart?

Childlike and naïve, ready to believe anything

Ready to love you with all my being

Love Happens

What is the exact moment
When love happened?
The pure unadulterated love
Did happen when my eyes met yours
Or when your heart understood mine

Not Mine

The face is mine
But the expressions are not

The voice is  mine
But the words are not

The Hands are mine
But the touch is not

The Heart is mine
But the love isn't

Obsessive Love

I am embarrassed by my love for you

Trying to hide it  from everyone and everything

I try to replace my desire for you with a desire for a million dollars

I make a few hundred thousand

and return to you

Which hole in me do you fill so well?

That my being feels so empty without your thought

I see a different me in your presence

someone who feels like she is really is me

I understood who I really was

How full of love

How futile is this love?

A love that has no future

or Present

but that which just lives in the memories of that one day

and one night

A night and day which never can repeat itself

Beauty

My face, my smile and my body
Seem so beautiful to you
And you want to be near it
And experience it


Try my soul, my mind and my feelings
They are so vast, enigmatic and not so transient
You will experience beauty and its true essence

Making a movie?

Recently I submitted a concept for a movie on a contest for debut female director. I don't know why I did that. But that contest poster appeared as a sign to me. It had become oversized and stood before me asking me to pay heed to it.

So I compiled some of the stories and writing I had done over the years and submitted it.  I had no hopes, but I was selected and called for a workshop. I did spend an inordinate amount of money to come to India for this workshop, but my life had become so dull that I could not miss doing this.

Coming to this workshop opened up a whole new world to me. First of all it was so much fun to learn how to create art. I have always wanted to be a writer, but my literary talents are not great. Maybe movies are the way I express myself.  I do love movies and spent hours analyzing why I like what I like.

So this world of cinema had a bunch of people who are so passionate, who love making art so much. They are living with needs that are bare minimum.  It made me wonder, how much we have complicated survival. With wanting to eat so many different kinds of food day in and day out to keep us entertained so that we can do a job we do not like.

The alternative to that is to live a life of passion and spend very little on survival. But most of us have this totally upside down.  Needless to say, I enjoyed three days in this zone thinking about art, watching art and reflecting deep within myself what I needed to communicate to this world. What is that space within me which I feel uncomfortable to get into.

I have never been afraid to step out of my comfort zone, maybe finally that will come useful in this field. 

Our passion finally finds us.

I fly back to USA in a day. I feel more nervous than ever since I am flying back with Sid alone. It is exciting yet unnerving. I look out of the window and see cars, bikes and every automobile on the road. It gives me a sense of stability and peace. Yesterday I was driving by the O2 gym and I experienced a twinge in my heart.  I think what I will miss most are the dance classes. Maybe I am making too much of it, but they were the most enjoyable times of my life.

I had two conversations here with two people along the same lines. It led me wonder about myself. I thought business was my passion. But my desire for business came along only when I started having desire for money. Then is that a real passion. I would write for hours even when I knew I would get no reward for it. I can dance for hours by paying someone else. I can drink chai like there is no end to the world. Then these are my real passions. Is it?

It is interesting that I have worked on these passions without my knowledge. Every song I watch, I subconsciously pick up steps to dance on. Add to this all my zumba and various dance classes (bollywood dance) All the movies and books I read, i keep picking up ways to write better. Not to mention all the writing workshops I go to. And chai, my hunt for chai never stops.

So my entrepreneur friend was telling stories of how he started doing business while he was way younger.  How he had stickers that he sold to other kids by hiding in his socks and he was compared to a smuggler in those times. My dad's friend who is a writer now narrated a story about he wrote stories in papers and binded it together using a safety pin and how friend drew pictures in that book. We all have stories about this. Our passion always stays with us. We are just not aware of it. 

Life that I love

At times it might feel a lot of things need to fall in place to create a life that we love.  We need enough money, loving family and friends around and the freedom to do whatever we want. Yet, recently I discovered that creating a life that I love is simple. I need to figure out what are the things that I really love and keep doing it.

What do I love? It all started with Zumba. I love dancing. My mom sensed my interest in dancing and put me in a dance school when I was five years old. However as things got tough with dancing, I didn't pursue it with the same vigor. Add to this my dad's transfers, my dancing chapter ended very early.

Once I was investigating the topic of passion, I read Elizabeth Gilbert's quote that whatever gives you joy is a clue to your happiness. At that time I thought one of the most beautiful periods of my life was when I was in college. At that time I spent a lot of time writing poetry and fiction. Definitely writing is another of my passion. Something that I really really love. To this I love watching interesting stories and reading books.

I love deep connections and intense conversations ( it is quite rare though these days). When I was younger (in college or so) I was surrounded by these kinds of people. I thought these kinds of people will increase as I grow older.  Maybe it was me who stopped looking for these people. I am on the lookout again.

It is interesting that you don't even realize you like something so much. I am obsessed about it. One such thing like that is chai. I love it so much and so particular about the way I want to drink my chai. This Chennai trip, I got to taste some of the most amazing chai in chai kings and Coffee Shastra.  This has led me to look out for various ways to create better chai.

Overall this Chennai trip has been a blast helping me realize what my different interests are. If my life is filled with these things, indeed it will be a dream life!

Givers Vs Takers

Throughout our life we have been taught that we have to take, get a good deal, make sure we are not overpaying, or overworking etc. Of course these are thoughts of the masses.
I have spent most of my life in the taking mode only realizing and enjoying the benefits of giving recently.
The way to prosperity, happiness and contentment is of course- giving. When you give you make your life more interesting and worth living.
When you are in the taking mode, whatever you get never seems enough. You just want more, more and more leading to greed. However when you are in the giving mode, the more you give the more you get paradoxically.
Making the shift from takers to givers can be simple and it can be done by following the steps below.

• See how you can help the people in your life by doing something simple. 
• Stop thinking "what is in it for me, " when someone asks you for a favor. 
• Find opportunities to make other people's lives better. 
• Always find a way to outdo what someone does for you.

I am still making the transition from takers to giver and in moments of worry, agitation and anxiety, I do see myself shifting to the taker mode.  I do hope to do the steps as above to keep getting into the giving mode. 

Zumba

Dance is like meditation to me ever since I was a little girl. I love it and like a lover who can't get over her ex, I kept returning to dance whenever I had a chance.
In my Chennai visit I decided to take up zumba. Why not dance and get a workout at the same time?
I didn't have high hopes. I have taken classes at the best of the best in nyc. How could this one be any better?
I signed up for a trial class. I was led inside through the front door of a beautifully designed gym. Two men were dancing in the front row. Which one is the teacher? I wondered. In some time it becomes clear.
This guy is charming. He makes eye contact and acknowledges the fact that first class will be hard. He tries to show me steps in advance but for some reason I am locked up by his energy and dance. Class progresses and I realize I am more focussed on the dancer than the dance. Slowly my dream unravels as he dances to the tunes of local Indian film songs.  It just takes time for any of our dreams to manifest. I can't remember how long I have dreamed about dancing to local Indian music.
I go home in a high having experienced deep soul connection without uttering a word. Some folks exist as pure love in the moment and this dance teacher was no exception.
Couple of classes later my expectations are high. Another instructor comes to the class. I am disappointed. But this one is a different dancer. Soon he is dancing to some of my favorite songs and I realize I am dancing effortlessly and enjoying it. I am dancing so well. This guy is a great dancer too! I leave the class happy at having rediscovered the dancer in me.
Next class the instructor messages us in advance to let us know he won't make it and someone else will fill in.  Another instructor shows up. I am clearly annoyed as this one asks me to smile as I dance.  He doesn't radiate love and his energy doesn't seem to match mine. But he is totally uninhibited. He dances with abandon and sings along on the top of his voice.  His energy level is mind blowing.  I see myself relaxing and dancing even better.

At the end of the class I wonder if there are several approaches to serving people.  You can love them and be focussed on them, you can improve your craft and become very good at it or you can be yourself totally uninhibited. Each flavor gives you contentment while improving the lives of the people around you.

I wonder what's in store at my next zumba class. I secretly hope for the love and energy match.

Meeting a Friend - Part 2

He asks me why I thought about him today. Tears are rolling down my eyes uncontrollably, involuntarily.  I feel embarrassed, but almost safe to cry in his presence. As if he knows what I am going through.

I tell him I have no friends.  People I talk to, yes! People I hang out with, yes! But not anyone who truly understands my dreams and what I want to do.  And that he was the only person who could understand me right now.

He says he feels happy that I thought of him when I was in trouble. But keeps asking me why I didn't think of him the moment I landed in India. I don't have an answer for him, but my fears.

As if sensing what I want to hear, he starts narrating a story from his business. The office room in which we were talking belonged to a building where he has his own Chinese restaurant and an ice-cream shop.  He had his first business in the same building ( It belonged to his family and he has put it to good use).

His first business had something to do with backup systems.  Six months into starting it, he was into debt. He had to sell his car to make his payroll. Prior to that he was the highest performing sales guy in Microsoft. He knew he would make it. He and his partner got drunk in the same office at the end of six months almost on the verge of closing the business.

As divine guidance would have it, he had an idea the next day. He had been focussing on IT companies so far. Maybe he should look at a different segment. He looked at pharmaceutical, manufacturing, financial , agri and everything he could think of. In three months he had repaid all his debts and his business took off.

Exactly this is what I wanted to hear.

In between my conversations I still cry.  I wonder how my life would have been if I never met him.

I remember my conversations with him when I was hardly sixteen. How he passionately narrated stories about his grandfather who started his own business by bicycling and delivering everyday. He saw how his grandfather had a lot of money all the time and how it was his dream to start his business. Today it has all come true.

I wonder what was my mindset at that time. Was I influenced by all his talk that I also wanted my own business. When did my desire to have my own business originate? I don't have an answer.

The universe does a great job matching similar people.

We decide to meet again soon. I have to go back to put my son to sleep and get ready for a call in US time. He needs to get back home. But our conversations will continue.

Meeting a Friend - part 1

I meet a friend of mine who I have known for over 17 years. We have been on and off friends. We would be friends, then have a fight and not talk for years. Then meet again and do the same thing all over again.

He and I have the same core. At times it feels like he is the only person who will understand me. He is an entrepreneur. I am one too!!!

When you are a mom and an entrepreneur and make your own schedule, there is a common misconception that you are a stay at home mom. People dismiss me off as a stay at home mom among people who go to work for someone else. It is painful to write that. But it is true.

99% of my acquaintances work for someone else and seem happy. I don't know if they think that it is their calling or they think there is no other way to succeed. I don't want to judge, but understand.

I understand this friend. He only does what he likes. He hardly works one hour a day. He comes up with ideas and executes them. He is not sitting at an office and wondering if his idea will work. He executes it to find out if the idea will succeed. Money comes to him in exceeding quantities. He is not worried if he can enter the job market. He knows exactly what he wants and fills his life with things he loves.

I want his life. Maybe not working an hour a day, working 4 hours everyday. Honestly I am at a point in my life where I don't mind working. Being a mom has taught me to work, to give myself whole-heartedly to a cause.

'If you are spending your life doing things you don't like, it is like getting raped." He says. 

'What about survival?" I ask him. He gets distracted by a phone call. 

He then talks about his recent project. He buys apartments and rents them out on Airbnb. He shows me pictures, they are beautifully decorated. Interiors are beautifully decorated and I can see his love on every corner of the room.

'I hate routine' he says. 

'Me too!' I blurt out. 

'Some days I don't even like to brush because it is a routine.' He says. 

'Maybe I am not that bad' I say to myself

' Some days I like to drown myself in work when a project is starting and then I don't work for several weeks.' He says

That is how I want my life to be. I think!

In an earlier conversation, he had mentioned that he likes starting things. I think all entrepreneurs like starting and I am no exception to that!

Is it easier because he is a man? I wonder. 

He disagrees, he thinks its the same for a man and woman. I don't agree. He doesn't know all the things I have to go through everyday. Some people look at woman as an object and never really take her seriously. 

He narrates his struggles. Not having enough money, taking humiliating remarks from his dad, crying to sleep every  night.

I hadn't spoken to him for 5 years. And then, I thought meeting him was my only option. I was in that state where I was crying, where I felt I was failing in my business and meeting him was going to give me some hope that I was going to succeed and be like him some day.

Freedom

Life touched me slightly

And reminded me that I am alive

Freedom exists in the moment

In this moment I am alive

I am free

To sway like the branches of a tree

To bloom like a flower

To rise like a sun

To just Be in ecstatic joy

Liberating Love

can your love liberate me?
Free me of the expectations of the world

We will have fun like two strangers
Who didn't have a past nor have a future

Unattached. Liberated and free
Like drops of water on a leaf

God

This is a letter to myself in 10 years - 2025

He is the gardener who planted a seed
A beautiful seed that resulted in your creation
He knows the seed and he knows you
Trust in him and jump blindly into it

There are too many surprises
Too many wonders
Excitement that knows no bounds

His job is to protect
So don't spend a second protecting yourself

He loves you and will teach you "love"

Be carefree and roam into the garden of life
Leave all worries to him
He creates worries and he creates solutions for them

Your job is to be joyful and spread joy
No consequences matter


All that matters is to follow your heart
And go into the adventures of life

Half Love (Inspired by Aakko)

You decided to cross seven seas
And go far away
Did you ever think of me?

You gave me half of your heart
Showed me a glimpse
And went far far away

You made me experience the sweetness of helplessness
The feeling of having no control
Like a little baby relying entirely on his mother for survival

Tell me to wait
Tell me there is more
Don't tell me to forget you

I don't want your touch, I promise
I just need the rest of your love

Tell me there is more
Don't tell me to forget you

I don't want your touch, your embrace or your kiss
I just want the rest of your heart
I just want the rest of your love

Joy (Inspired by Pathaka Guddi)

The one who created me
Knows what I need
and what I want
and he gives it to me at the right moment
Why then do I need to worry?
Why then do I need to think about my future?

My job is to enjoy the beauty of the universe
Fill myself up with joy
and Love to my heart's desire

There is too much beauty and joy
which I cannot see with just two eyes
or feel with just my hands

Why worry?
Nothing lasts forever
Life is just a gift to be free
to be myself
and do whatever I want to do

Kadal review

Life is comprised of Highs and Lows, great experiences and experiences that tear you down to your core.  Yet, nothing should take you away from your path of righteousness.  There are unbelievable experiences in your life – you meet someone for the first time who believes in you and wants you to succeed, the first time you learn your job like riding a boat on the sea and catching fishes, the first time you fall in love and feel that your life has meaning, the first time someone accepts you unconditionally despite your flaws – all these experiences make your life worth it. That’s how I feel about Kadal. The highs of the movie justify the lows.

I am a Mani Rathnam fan – not just a regular fan - an ardent fan who watches each of his movies at least 3 or 4 times, despite it being hit or not. I memorize the dialogues in his movies and remember every frame. I know it’s crazy, I am not related to movies at all. But there is something about his movies which changes my perception about things. So before even going to the movie I told my husband I will like it. And for the first time when the movie ended I felt Mani could have done better. Somehow I felt he has tried to change his style so that he could get accepted.

In some scenes he shines, there is brilliance, passion, beauty which no other movie creator in Tamil could even try to emulate. It is sheer love of the story , of his characters and indeed he loves Thomas from the moment he shows him lying on top of his dead mother.  The progression of the character from a helpless child to a revengeful teenager is indeed amazing.  The scenes made me think about so many things – the way a prostitute is treated in a society, how anything related to such a woman is looked upon, how sometimes society makes a child a criminal. Yet, I couldn’t help but fall in love with Thomas as he cries for his mother,  and as he curiously tries to understand father Sam, as he learns for the first time to ride a boat and catch fish.

Gautham Karthik is introduced with Elay keechan. The movie still seemed good to me.  He sees Beatrice, is attracted to her, has a fight with his father who does not own him. Still good. The movie turns in another direction in the second half , yet it is still not so bad as some reviews turn out to be.  The good still makes the bad parts of the movie worth it.

These are the things I particulary enjoyed about the movie

1)      The scenes of Thomas till he becomes Gautham

2)      The scene where he learns to ride a boat. I saw so much excitement and joy in the boy’s eyes and I couldn’t help but admire the sea

3)      I did like the romance sequences with Bea

4)      I like the scene where they both deliver a baby

5)      I loved loved loved Moongil Thottam and the scene before it. It seems so beautiful to wipe away someone’s sins so easily.

I don’t even want to talk about the things I didn’t like. For brilliance to shine through, we need to digest a few boring things. Otherwise we would just be filled with mediocre movies.

Mani Rathnam and Rahman – you thought no one noticed the BGM is same as Raavan? Well, I did…..