Life and Marriage

I was reading R.K. Narayan’s “Dark Room” and he touches on Male Chauvenism from time to time. It is so liberating to know that an Indian author of such old times thinks and appreciates womanhood so much. Some Indian authors even now try to portray India as excessively male dominated even though it is probably not true (as I’d like to believe).
The story Dark room is about a very sincere and dedicated wife of a very angry and arrogant man. Whenever the wife disagrees with her husband, she locks herself up in a dark room and doesn’t come out for days. It is an outlet for her to let out her anger rather than arguing with him. At one part of the story she stays in her room and doesn’t come out even to eat anything for an entire day. One of her friend who is a very mature lady comes into the room and explains to her how harsh men can sometimes be. She tells her tales of how men had treated women in olden days and how submissive women have been. Our mythologies are loaded with tales of sincere and devoted wives like Sita and Savithri. She also explains the torment they have gone through and yet sustained themselves. Listening to the friends tales, the wife is comforted and feels she has acted very silly and comes out of the room.
It really makes me wonder that women have not evolved from that time. The story even happens today. We are sometimes really angry with our husbands, yet we are comforted by the thought of other husbands who are still worse. We as women believe that we are destined to a life not worthy of happiness or fulfillment. We always think that men deserve so much better. Men also seem to think that way. It is some kind of group or herd behavior we have all been accustomed to. This kind of mentality is not just prevalent among the Indian women. I have seen women complain so much of their husbands and how they do not do any household work at all or help them. Yet, these women love their husbands so much and do not even want to think of leaving them.
What is marriage? I have heard so many say that it is man made. A lot of other things are man made as well. Jobs are man made. God did not create jobs. Money is man made. God did not create money as well. God probably created food, love, sex and procreation. The rest of the complication – education, numerous rules for everyone to get along is all created by man. I sometimes wonder what if a baby just born is brought up in an environment where she is not told about any rules of life. I think some rules we are taught from a very young age like “ Time is precious”, “ work hard”, “ Share among others” and so many other things, how would they behave? The baby is given food whenever she wants and once she grows she is given a man to mate with. Will she be happy with her life? Is this what we are all born for ? Procreation? Because as we see around and learn so many new things created by man, we feel this desire to participate and create something by ourself as well. What if nothing was created in this world? How would we feel then?
Sometimes I think of an Indian marriage like a Government job. You know it is for life and the partner is not going to leave you no matter what. If that is the case what holds the marriage together? Fear or love? A marriage works when you put the needs of your partner well above yours and that is reciprocated by your partner as well. However if you love your partner yet make no effort to make her happy , will your partner still love you? Isnt love a two way street? If love dies for one of the partner, does fear hold the two together? Fear that you will not get anyone better. Fear of harsh words of your relatives.
After wondering about this and looking at a lot of couples, I have come to realize that fear never holds a marriage together. I have noticed that despite the couple not expressing to each other how much they love each other, they do love each other.
The most important thing a woman wants is not to chip in to do household work. She wants instances in which he shows her work is appreciated. A small gift, sometimes a public display of affection and an appreciation for the work she does. Sometimes even listening to her suggestions is a big ego booster for women.
What does a man wants? It is surprising that a man does not really want anything from a woman. Even though I would like to believe that I promote female equality and so on. I cannot but just ignore the superiority of the masculine gender for its completeness. The woman gives everything out of her own wish. A man does not want a woman to cook for him, clean for him or do anything. He just wants her to be there for him, supporting him and loving him. Sometimes he doesn’t even want love to be expressed. It is fascinating to watch a man. A woman constantly craves for love, attention and approval.
I read somewhere in our mythological book that if you have done a lot of virtue in your previous Janma, you will be born as a man. I think there is some truth to that. Even though men have some vices like constant physical attraction to other women even though they don’t love them and so on, they are better species. They are happy and content .
As a famous hindi movie “ Pyaar Ka Punchnama “ says , I completely believe “ A happy woman is a myth”. I would like to add that this phrase applies to modern Indian woman, who constantly have received attention (due to the skewed ratio of men to women in India), never been turned down and always appreciated.
My mother on the other hand is a very happy woman. She is happy doing her duty and not expecting anything in return. This goes back to my Bhagavath Gita lesson “ Do your duty and do not expect the fruits for it”. It has taken me 27 years to realize this , but once I did the fruits are a lot more than what I worked for. You can never be happy if you are constantly trying to make yourself happy. Try to make others happy and do your duty and that is the secret to eternal happiness.